Hari isn’t speaking to me. That’s only to be expected, but still. I hope he is alright. I hope he is keeping himself busy and well. Not worrying or depressed. I worry.
As worried and awful as I feel about doing this to him, I can’t help but feel a huge sense of relief. This was weighing on me intensely.
I still love him so terribly much. The last thing I want to do is cause him any pain.
But if I am to accomplish my life’s work, I need to turn inward and develop the skills I need.
I emailed my parents immediately after Hari hung up on me. Telling them that, although I love Hari deeply and still intend to be with him, I am not ready to join him in Uganda. I want to study yoga first, and if the offer still stands I’d like to go to Kripalu or Naropa.
I also mentioned that I would like to go to India to study, but that it would be easier on my family for me to be closer first. I know better than to ask if my parents will fund me studying in India.
They got back to me immediately.
Hi Sweetie –
I need to be by myself, in retreat, for a while. I need to sit with my thoughts and develop my practice. Develop how I work. I need to be able to be myself, act from the still silent place within me among the chaos – Purush and Prakriti – the way I have been teaching in BlueTruth.